My day to day thoughts and poetry

If only we could see things before the experience teaches us things that we already knew.

I recently travelled to Christchurch on business, and along the way discovered that living with my

my lifelong partner had become a way of life for me. Gone are the days of singularity that I used to thrive on. Gone are the solitary enjoyments. As soon as work was done, and the night drew its velvety cloak around the city I realised that I was missing something. The beauty of the Cathedral, the quaint victorian houses, the neverending flatness, and the willow trees crying their leaves into the river Avon, had little appeal without someone to share it with. Oh how I longed to be able to show my wife all these beautiful things, How they were diminished by her abscence. Even sleep did not come easily, even after a 13 hour day. The sounds and the ceiling held my eyes and ears captive until the wee hours of the morning. the next day not even the flower adorned tram, trundling past my balcony could raise a smile.

Don’t get me wrong, or think me maudlin, I enjoyed every moment of Christchurch’s architechture, nature and history, It was an awakening of how intertwined my wife and my life had become. Through it all, the irritations, the constant, or so it seemed, nagging, and the annoyances counted for nothing. I really missed my wife.

It was good to finally get back home, and after five minutes I longed to be back in Christchurch !

“If someone is trying to convince people to do or feel something without any hope of succeeding, they’re flogging a dead horse. This is used when someone is trying to raise interest in an issue that no-one supports anymore; beating a dead horse will not make it do any more work.”

So how do we know when something is over, are their definitive signs, Does dead mean dead? Or could it be like Lazarus, where dead means nothing and the power of faith can bring it to life.

Now how about a situation that involves two people, can it survive on the strength of one person alone. If the one is apathetic and the other is willing, is this doomed to failure!

From the first moment I set eyes upon her, I knew that my life would not be the same; it was not an earth shattering awakening, more like the feeling of snuggling under a warm blanket to keep out the cold. I just knew that I felt comfortable with her, and so the slow road to a relationship was built. The usual notes, and letters, the tentative first kiss, through to intimate expression that had to follow. Many years later the patience is gone, and anger quick to surface, irritation never to far away, and laughter is forgotten like a mirage from a desert vista.

Where did we go wrong?  NO – Where did I go wrong. I’m the one complaining, I’m the one unhappy, does this mean that I’m the one who cares, am I the only one who is concerned. Does her lack of response mean a lack of interest? How can an overpowering love turn into this muddle some mess? Of course this is where most people cut and run, how quickly they forget the wedding vows or the promises they made in front of God, the Priest and the witnesses who filled the church. Divorce the easy way out, or the costliest way out. But I don’t want to leave; I just don’t want to stay. Talk about confused. Your head spins, and your eyes burn from the unshed tears of frustration and sadness. Where has the love gone? Where has the respect gone? Where has the person I still love gone?

Talking is impossible, as they will never see your point of view, as you will never truly see theirs, we are convinced that we are right, that the indignations we suffer are justified. We scream in frustration that we are not heard. Some punch out in anger, others drink and threaten violence, other fall into the arms of empty relationships fulfilling the desires of the flesh with no emotional commitment. Of course I can’t leave, half of my life is tied up in her, I worry where would she go, how would she cope, but these are just lies that I use to trip myself up as I try to leave. She would cope, she would survive, probably better than you’d expect. You’re just afraid to be alone, even though you claim to love it. She fills the empty spaces in your life, just not the way you want her too.

So here we are looking at the Kapiti island above, from our new rented accommodation, moving in next week, beachfront and quiet. So how do we stay upbeat, Let’s talk about England, I contacted my brother a few days ago, and he looked cold, and the weather in the UK was miserable, really cold, and the social depression had set in. Here I was, lounging in the least amount of clothing, and drinking copious amounts of water to stave off sunstroke. Watching him wrapped in a dressing gown, trying to hold Jack Frost at bay I wonder – now why did I emigrate?

Well, soon enough the conversation turned to leaving blighty and moving to the warmers climes of NZ, Supporting the theory that the world is a smaller place than all of us believe, it should not be too long before I see my brothers ineffable face adorning the TV screens at wellington airport as he arrives for his temporary / permanent walkabout. He is the type to “go bush” as they call it here. I’ve heard stories of men who walk into the bush leaving their clothes and belongings behind. Bit extreme for me, but all power to them. That was where we all started, so before long society will trash the cities and we will devolve into self sufficient masses once again. Look at us now, we have already started growing our own food to eat.

So with organic food, costing so much more, and foreign imports bringing with it additives such as dangerous pesticides, including Lindane and DDT, in Chinese vegetables. What is safe anymore, buy the cheap stuff and you may be poisoning yourself, buy the expensive stuff and you could end up broke, with a plus side of weight lose due to only being able to afford two organic cabbages. More and more of us are turning to stylised diets, we now do not eat read meat, and pig out on pork and chicken, or shouting “I am a vegetarian, but I eat fish, eggs and dairy products”. The fads build up, commerce goes mad, and the consumer is bombarded with newsflash after newsflash informing us of the latest dire food groups, or the foods we should stay away from. Even our children are not safe, we now have the dreaded E numbers, what are we doing to our kids?. I cannot fathom all this, my waist expands during winter and shrinks (at least I think it does) during summer, but when I sit down to eat, nothing on my plate is taboo. A great Steak seared on the BBQ, smothered in raw chopped garlic, and a large baked spud, dripping with melted butter. cholesterol scream the friends, look after your heart says another. I just smile, carve another piece of steak and pop it in my mouth. If I’m gonna die, at least it will be on a full stomach, eating food that makes me happy. I don’t eat steak everyday, of course that would be inviting health issues, it’s just the continual battering that we receive from the media, urging, no forcing us to eat healthly. Tv shows highlight our failings. The Biggest Loser, friends and familys who put themselves through TV torture to lose weight, surely the million dollars for first prise means nothing, they are embaressing themselves on prime time television because they can no longer diet without peer presssure. The biggest Loser are the pundits who sit at home watching the show. The world is right outside your door, it is filled with beauty, nature and we get home each night and close the door on it. Alas I’m the same as all of you, and I’m going home, so auvior as the door closes with a quiet “click”.

Pugilistic Religion – My soul is black and blue
My feelings are in tatters – My heart is rent in two
Depression lives on through me, like a slick and slimy toad
Destroying my convictions, impossible to hold.

Determining the path ahead, a convoluted mess
My prayers are mumbled miseries – my sins to bad to confess
The pills fill out my head and end the serotonin low
My body shakes like a coffee junkie, staring at an empty cup ‘o Joe

Counseling’s the answer, the people shout and cry
Come and pour your words out, I stare at her and sigh
The shadow’s in the valley, the sun behind the mountain peak
The future is uncertain, the way ahead sometimes bleak

Depression is now my companion, we travel together he and I
Sometimes laughing, often crying, me always asking why?
The world’s a different place now, the sun a little less bright
Anxiety walks with me as I step into the night

Your life begins with a smack and its downhill all the way after that. 60 is supposed to be the marker for over the hill. This is an untruth, the hill is massive, huge, and we start on the down-slope and just gather speed. From the smack on our arse, to get our first breath to the continual battle against governments, communities, social groups, friends and so called enemies. Everything in live is an obstacle. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not a doom-monger. Life is full of sunrises and sunset, beautiful moments to squeeze our hearts and to take our breath away. This is not a continual process, scattered moments like sunlight off a broken crystal glass, beautiful but deadly when were amongst it.  You wonder why the rant against life ?

The immigration board decided that we were still not acceptable for NZ, hows that for a kicker, we are now under special review for exemption by the minister of immigration. I’m livid, my partner sees it as a positive, but i still consider it a powerful show of incompetence and extremely bad practices. The whole situation is screwy, People you’d never believe were acceptable immigrants get a free pass, whilst deserving others, seem to get railroaded into paying more and more money to prove their worth.

I sometimes wonder why God allows these things to happen. Become a child of Christ and live in freedom. The church offers rest for the weary, health for the sick and a release from death. What does the bible do for depression, anxiety and financial fear. Nothing. Its all well and good going to church, praising God, and praying, but this faith does not help pay the bills, overcome the tribulations, or handle the day to day stresses of life. God is love, but why can’t happiness be part of the package.

The sun has shone today and light fills every void, smiling into the warmth, I watch as the multitudes scurry about Wellington, hurrying from one place to another, not looking people in the eye, afraid to make connections other than the connections already in place. Fear is glimpsed in every eye. suspicion lurks in the corner of every mind. People bow their heads, avoid eye contact, and hold the bags that much closer. Freedom, locked into a job to pay for life’s sin’s.

Bah !

Who here does not suffer at one time or another from anxiety, from the tiny tickles of doubt to the limb immobilizing tremors of abject fear. Misery accompanies anxiety like rain clings to clouds. Stuck in the all pervading fear, everything becomes something else, and innocent phone call takes on malicious undertones, a request for something can become overwhelming, the foetal position a comfort zone, curled up whilst the world harries on by as you shelter within your mind, food becomes non-essential, and alas intimacy and joy fade like the last rays of darkness at dawn. Medication is the answer a voice cries, counselling offers another friendly voice from out of the wilderness. These things are fine, but they are not to be found amongst the possesions of a foetal curled mind. This will entail, getting up, facing the world again, travelling, communicating, existing. All the things that produce an neverending supply of anxiety.

I gaze longingly at the passersby who seem to me to have the perfect lives, living out day to day, with smiles frozen on their faces, as they interact with a world that barely acknowledges their existence. I feel insignificant, I am insignificant, and yet amongst the faithful a God lies hidden. A lord of forgiveness who if you offer him your heart will bring you home. I gave my heart and still feel devoid of the love that others so proudly and loudly profess. If God is really there, then why does he not care enough to visit those who struggle, why does he allow them to fall by the wayside as their faith fails time and time again. Does God read Blogs, If I were he I would, where else would the truth lie, but in the outpourings of peoples hearts into the great fried empty of the internet. No one knows me, I’m ambigious, a non entity, reading my lifes words into passages that some loner might read someday.

Still anxiety lqays sleeping now in the pit of my stomach, I can feels its mild prescence, and I’m careful not to awaken the beast, for it will awaken soon enough with an appetite to destroy the fragile peace I can gather whilst It is asleep.

Don’t I look like me Dad ?

Wow, my own first Blog, well this is where i will keep all the friends and family updated.  Keep checking the blog, to see new images and hear tales from Down under, down under.

Ha, pretty far from old blighty hey….warm weather, cold seas, damn flies